


Taming Satan

by Colamiilk



Category: Devilman (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Fix-It, He's fluid as an angel because of the pressure to change, I never state what kind so that anyone whose any form of intersex can relate, M/M, Nothing happens but theres one line, Okay we redoing tags because there's been some misunderstandings, Ryo's sex is fluid when he's an angel, Society is fine, There's quick mentions of God/Ryo, WHY DO THIS, as a human he is intersex, but its a metaphor, hopefully this clears up any misunderstandings people had, read the fic for more context on that, these tags are jumbled, whatever it still makes sense, why ao3
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-31
Updated: 2019-02-26
Packaged: 2019-08-11 05:05:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16469321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Colamiilk/pseuds/Colamiilk
Summary: “It doesn’t matter what I am, all that matters is that I love you, more than anything.” Immediately Akira stepped back. It felt like there was a frog in his throat trying to climb it’s way out, tickling his throat and making him feel like he needed to vomit. Why did this all feel like some sort of sick joke?





	1. Crystal Eyes

**Author's Note:**

> This has been your reminder I'm a full time student and I write all of this for free. If you notice inaccuracies (or things you don’t like) ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ Listen… my gay never sleeps, but my research on lore sure as shit does. I have things to do and every moment i'm not being gay i'm doing that shit. NOW, LET’S GO

“Ryo y- you have boobs!” Akira wanted to hit himself, why was that the first thing he noted? Why that instead of the giant luminous wings that had spontaneously sprouted from him? It really showed where Akira’s mind was most of the time and made him embarrassed enough that he was fighting off the urge to just leave. 

Luckily Ryo didn’t seem annoyed, embarrassed or upset with the rather rude statement. Instead he just laughed in a way that was far softer, far lighter than the noises Akira was used to hearing from Ryo. He didn’t want to admit how they squeezed weirdly at his heart. 

“I guess I do… Do you not like them?” Akira blinked, how on Earth did he respond to that? Whether or not he liked them wasn’t what was important! Literally that was the last thing on his mind right now. He sputtered and struggled to find his voice for a bit before Ryo sighed taking away the pressure of answering with a sad smile. 

“To be honest Akira I’m not a fan either but they easily go away.” Pressing both his hands to the top of his chest Ryo pushed down as if he was violently groping himself, he squeezed them and pressed them into himself in a way that Akira didn’t want to admit made his cock stir. When Ryo finally gave him pity and stopped, Akira was already bright red, his head swimming with horribly off topic thoughts. 

Ryo’s mouth quirked up into a thin smile, Akira wasn’t sure if he was happy with Akira’s response or found it funny how easy it was to make him squirm. He knew he should be more mature about this, to try and keep himself together. But as Ryo pulled his hands away to reveal his once again male chest, Akira fell apart again, gaping at the weird magic trick he had just seen.

“I actually prefer to have the less… obtrusive parts most of the time.” Akira didn’t get a second to try and recover before Ryo crossed his legs in a way that covered his cock. Akira swallowed back the tension that was building in his throat, this all felt like a weird strip tease that he really didn’t want to see. Within seconds this had gone from a fascinating magic trick to something that just felt wrong. 

Ryo’s legs rubbed together a bit and Akira could feel the friction he must’ve been creating on his own dick, making a low grumble as Ryo spread his legs once more. Akira wasn’t as surprised this time that a vagina had taken his dick’s place, but even without the shock it felt weird… almost wrong. It felt like he was looking at something that wasn’t even there, like he was in front of something that wasn’t just inhuman- No there was something further off than that. 

“The parts that humans associate with lust and gender don’t interest me, I don’t need anything to prove I am a ‘man’ or ‘woman’. It’s not like I’m really either after all.” Akira’s mouth felt dry. Ryo’s entire body looked hazy around the edges, like there was a conscious effort going into keeping himself in this shape. Like the human like spectre in front of him was an illusion and if he reached out his hand would just go right through. This was… What was happening?

“R-Ryo? What’s? What are you?” Ryo’s wings twitched with that, starting to pull back behind his body as if he was moving to hide them only for them to flare out again. Akira’s eyes traveled over each wing shakily. He felt like he was looking at a monster… Why was he so scared? There was nothing particularly horrific about Ryo’s body, besides the wings and changing parts it looked completely human. This was nothing compared to the demons he had seen before, so why? why was he so scared? 

“I can be whatever you want me to be.” The image of Ryo’s entire body shifted as he said that, splitting and recombining like an old VCR tape. It really was like he was nothing but smoke and mirrors right now. Akira hadn’t even realized he had been holding his breath until Ryo began to move closer to him. 

His mouth was moving and Akira could heard the pillowy soft voice that wrapped him up in warm comfort… but not one of the words he said made any sense. He couldn’t even follow the syllables or pauses between words. It felt more than foreign, it felt otherworldly. 

Whatever was in front of him… was it really Ryo?

“Ryo I don’t understand, what happened to you? What are you?” He echoed his earlier question, desperate for an answer. Ryo seemed unpleased with the question though, he stopped moving and stood tensely- a bit of a sneer wrinkling his nose. The image in front of him shifted slightly and within the time it took him to blink Ryo had gone from standing stockley with his hand on his hip to leaning forward, bending himself to look smaller and cute as he looked up into Akira’s eyes. 

“It doesn’t matter what I am, all that matters is that I love you, more than anything.” Immediately Akira jumped back. It felt like there was a frog in his throat trying to climb it’s way out, tickling his throat and making him feel like he needed to vomit. This felt wrong… This was wrong. None of this was right… 

“I-it matters to me!” Ryo’s face fell, the cute show he had been putting on disappeared as suddenly as it had come. His hands which had been clasped in front of his chest fell to his sides like limp weights as he leaned forward even further into Akira’s personal space. There was a moment Akira spent petrified, thinking Ryo was going to hurt him in someway. But then he noticed the other’s face. Ryo looked self conscious… he looked hurt. It threw Akira for a loop. He had never seen Ryo look doubtful in his life. 

“Do you not feel the same? If I told you I was something you found disgusting would you hate me? Would you leave me?” Ryo sounded so hurt and Akira found his heart hurt in return. Of course he wasn’t going to leave. Ryo hadn’t left him when he turned into devilman, instead he had looked into how demons worked so he could care for Akira. 

He’d be there for Ryo like Ryo had been for him, he’d make sure of it.

“No! I- Ryo what’s happening!?” He flinched at how he tripped and stuttered over his words practically whimpering in dejection when Ryo didn’t perk back up immediately. Why couldn’t he be as eloquent as he had been in his thoughts? Did Ryo really think he’d leave? All he wanted was to know what was going on!

Ryo sighed, apparently accepting he was going to have to answer if they wanted to move past this weird standoff at all. 

“I’ve come back, and now we can finally be together.” Akira froze solid, the air rushed out of his lungs and a cold chill settled over him. Echoes of Silene’s words rang in his ears and filled him with dread. He had known the demons who knew Amon would never stop coming to fight him. But… Somehow he hadn’t considered them using the people he loved as hosts. 

He felt sick. He hadn’t thought much about how Silene had used a human’s body to come here until now- he didn’t really care. He cared now though, he cared that someone had touched Ryo like that, that some monster had used him. His teeth grit together and his hands balled into fists. 

How had he not realized what he was looking at? 

“Get out of him right now! I’ll fucking kill you you demon!” Ryo’s crystalline eyes widened in surprise before settling back down to there normal half lidded stare. His lips quirked upward in a sharp V shaped smile and he sighed. He looked tired, but more than that fond. 

The attitude it possessed was unlike any demon he had seen before, and it still acted a lot like Ryo. Too much like him in fact. Swallowing he shook those thoughts out of his head. No, whatever this was was trying to trick him. There was no way Ryo would’ve been so nonchalant about this. 

“Oh Akira… I’m not possessed… I’m an angel. I’ve always been one.” An angel? No… No Ryo would’ve told him. Ryo was never good at keeping secrets from him. At least… Akira didn’t think he was. Ryo trusted him with everything, Akira was the only one he trusted. If he had been like this the whole time he would’ve confided before now. 

But… there was something about the smile he wore, the shimmer in his eyes, his posture… It made Akira come to the crushing realization that this was Ryo, at least partially. That even if he had been possessed he was still in there. For some reason realizing that wasn’t as relieving as he hoped it’d be. 

Probably because it still meant someone had touched Ryo while he wasn’t looking. He wanted to curse himself out, to tear every demon out there into shreds, including himself. How had he not seen this as an outcome? How did he think Ryo would be able to defend himself against the hordes of demons they saw every time they went into infested areas? 

“Akira?” Ryo’s soft voice brought him back out of his swirling thoughts, looking back towards the blonde he smiled bitterly. He wasn’t sure what he could do now that Ryo was like this. He didn’t even know what Ryo meant by an angel, they hadn’t talked about anything like that before now. They had never considered he would be possessed before. 

“What do you mean an angel?” Now that he was thinking about it… he supposed Ryo’s white wings were similar to the wings angels had in bibles and such. Still, Silene had had white wings too… He was unsure why he was so doubtful that this was he truth, if demons existed why was he surprised angels did? Why was he so sure it was lying?

Maybe he was just desperate to believe all of this was some cruel joke. 

“I mean an angel; A servant of god who got banished long ago. I was his, but now I’m yours.” There was a good deal of information there in that small sentence and it make Akira’s head spin. Ryo was completely ignoring all of Akira’s panic though, he looked completely relaxed, even happy as he finished his sentence. 

“W-what? Mine? You’re! Ryo what's going on?” Ryo had thrown Akira miles away from any type of understanding with that answer. He had heard Ryo say he loved him earlier in the conversation, and he had kind of dismissed it in his shock- which was bad and something he knew he shouldn’t of done. 

He should’ve expected Ryo to bring it back up, but he didn’t and now he was even more overwhelmed. 

“I told you, I remembered who I was.” Ryo voice was mostly calm, but Akira could hear the frustration embedded in it. Normally Akira would feel bad for asking what over and over again, he knew how annoying it could be- but today he was pretty sure he had earned the right to say what as many times as he wanted. 

“This whole time you?” Akira wasn’t even sure what he was asking as he trailed off. This whole time had he been an angel? This whole time he hadn’t even known himself that he was an angel? 

“Yes.” That didn’t really answer anything- but considering Akira didn’t know the question he was asking himself he couldn’t be too mad about it. Instead he moved on to the question he really really didn’t want to ask but knew he was going to have to. 

“And… and you love me?” the ‘love’ part was squeaked out, nervous and shaky. This didn’t make sense. He knew Ryo loved him as a friend, that much was obvious, but the idea that Ryo saw him as something more… that had never crossed his mind. 

“More than anything.” The room suddenly felt much too small, Ryo felt far too close. Sweat beaded on the back of his neck and he took a shaky step back. Ryo loved him. Ryo wanted something more with him… 

How was he supposed to react to that? How did he feel about that? Did he want something more with Ryo? He had never really found himself dissatisfied with their relationship before, he was happy with how they were. 

But if he said that how would Ryo react? 

Suddenly another thought crossed his mind, the idea of Ryo being in front of someone else like this, confessing his love to someone other than him. The idea made him sick, and a growl rumbled out of his throat. No, he wouldn’t let anyone else have Ryo like this. 

It was a weird feeling to want someone all to himself, it was a feeling he had never had before. Was this how Ryo felt about him? Was this what it meant to love someone romantically? Akira wasn’t quite sure. 

“Akira, please.” Snapped out of his thoughts he smiled weakly and looked away. He was running in circles here. He wanted… what did he want? Thinking about it he decided that, despite how uncomfortable it made him, he did want Ryo as his own… 

But, still, this was Ryo… The angel was miles out of his league, out of everyone’s. He already felt like a fool for even considering the idea he could be with him. He knew Ryo himself was the one asking, the one begging but… He had a hard time believing Ryo actually wanted to be with him. 

Surely he could do better then Akira? 

It wasn’t like Akira wanted Ryo to be with anyone else, in fact the idea of it was making him angry and worked up- but… he also l-loved Ryo enough to want the angel to have better then him. To have someone who wasn’t carrying around an evil demon inside him. 

He had never thought of Ryo as someone who couldn’t defend himself, and it wasn’t like Ryo had ever had problems dealing with Akira and Amon before. It was just that he was thinking about it now, and the idea of him ever hurting Ryo… it made tears build up around his eyes. 

“I don’t want to hurt you…” Ryo’s eyes widened in surprise before closing, a warm smile blooming on his face. 

“Oh Akira you could never hurt me.” Suddenly Ryo was in his personal space, caressing his face and standing on his tiptoes to meet their lips. Akira froze before breaking away suddenly. His face felt like it was burning in hell flame. 

“R-ryo!” The angel only smiled, letting his wings curl around them as he pulled Akira back against him. His lips parted right in front of Akira’s own, but instead of meeting into a kiss he whispered a desperate cry,

“Say you want me, say you want to be mine too.”


	2. Faith

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Months of work on this chapter and I'm finally happy enough with it to post it. I went back and forth on whether or not to post this at all a lot but I'm hoping some people will like it! Just hearing someone enjoyed it will make all the hair tearing work I put into this worthwhile ;w;)!! There is a firm ending to this planned and other chapters in design but please be patient with me I put so much work into each of this chapters trying to make them perfect ;0;

_ Lucifer’s wings folded back as he landed gracefully near the edge of heaven, the admired and glorious home of their God. It was beautiful, all bathed in the golden light of creation… it was a place where night never fell, where sin never reached… No matter how many times Lucifer saw it he never failed to be stricken with awe.  _

_ The soft clouds broke off and floated up in little tuffs around him as he made his way up to the marble staircase that lead up to where his father would be waiting. Walking through the clouds each step was sure, taken without hesitation. He moved like it was any other day, without fear- with his head held high. The way God’s creation should.  _

_ But the second he felt the sun warmed step press against his barefoot he recoiled, his hands coming up and clasping in the prayer position above his chest. The steps should’ve felt good, firm and warm- nothing like the cold loose clouds he had walked on just moments before. But if anything they felt too sturdy. They gave him no option other than to go forward. _

_ Which is where he wanted to go- where he needed to go. But… He was nervous.  _

_ And to be fair that was only natural. There was supposed to be a horrible tension that came with approaching God with a question. It was expected and normal for it to be uncomfortable. The sickening feeling of butterflies fluttering endlessly deep within his stomach was, if anything, good- Because it meant he knew his place.  _

_ Because it meant he knew he was asking for something he didn’t deserve, that he knew where he stood and what it meant to even be graced with God’s presence. This fear was good. It was how he was supposed to feel.  _

_ However he was never this nervous. Even knowing all these things Lucifer never spared his questions a second thought. Never berated himself for wasting there Lord’s time with pointless wondering. Not that he had to of course- his brother did all the scolding for him.  _

_ And he supposed he only did so to look after him. As angry as Michael’s voice was and as scathing as the words could be Lucifer always could hear the tremor of fear- the caution that lied behind the words ‘one day.’  _

_ Lucifer had heard it many times now but he’d never forget the first time Michael had stopped him, how his voice had dropped almost to a whisper ‘One day you’re going to go to far… one day he won’t be willing to humor you anymore…’  _

_ Lucifer had found himself frozen in shock, unable to respond. The idea, the horrible idea that he could eventually seen as no more than a nuisance, as selfish and vain by the very Lord he repeatedly humbled himself in front of was a new concept to Lucifer. But that wasn’t the only thing that left him disoriented… In fact the thing that had caught him the most off guard wasn’t the warning- it was how scared Michael sounded. Because it felt wrong to see the other angel worried…  _

_ Michael was a warrior, a knight… one of God’s favorites just like him… There shouldn’t be anything he feared. For Lucifer to make him feel that way. Well it undoubtedly meant he was pushing too far, doing something he wasn’t supposed to. But even with the guilt of knowing he was causing his brother’s uncharacteristic worry, he knew he could never stop himself from requesting answers he did not deserve.  _

_ And Michael knew that too. That no matter how much fear and guilt he instilled in Lucifer… It would never be able hold him back from looking for more. Because even without the lectures Lucifer knew he was overstepping his bounds, his curiosity was just too much… and never so easily sated… he could never just ignore things. He always just had to know.  _

_ And no matter what Michael did, no matter how hard he’d would try to stop it one day Lucifer was going to ask something he’d rather not know. Learn something past his understanding… And when that happened… what would they do? What would happen to him? Lucifer never could get himself to think about it for too long. The possibilities left him absolutely frozen with fear. _

_ Maybe if he were smarter he’d know that that fear would protect him. It would stop him from asking questions over and over and pushing himself closer to that inevitable day. But he also didn’t want to just stop. He didn’t want to be crippled by fears and forced to live constantly minding his tongue. Lucifer knew he’d never be happy just following blindly. And he knew that even if he stopped asking things he’d never stop thinking about them. _

_ He felt blasphemous for even thinking about it but… he often felt that living with endless questions haunting him would be worse than living with God’s disappointment. Of course he knew that couldn’t of been true though. That having God upset with him had to hurt far worse. But… somehow… he wasn’t sure. _

_ That’s why, despite everything, he was here once again. Standing in front of the elegant doors of his father’s chapel, his feet curling and uncurling against the smooth floors. It was true… questions never worried him, he could never work up any real shame for them. But today he didn’t have a question. _

_ Today he had something to say, something to tell.  _

_ And requesting God’s presence for something so menial was practically sinful. For at least a question had purpose, a request for guidance and salvation. To go up to God… to speak to him without a problem… without looking for deliverance or to be saved…  _

_ Maybe this was the day Michael was so scared of. A day not brought on by a question, but by a hope. By a desire that looked disgustingly unflattering on someone of his status.  _

_ He knew what Michael would say if he told him what he was planning, how he’d beg Lucifer to find anyone else to talk to. He’d probably even be willing to sacrifice his own time just to stop him. But this wasn’t just something Lucifer could tell anyone, this was something meant only for God himself to hear. He could ask for forgiveness later, thank God in his infinite mercy for listening to him after it was done. _

_ He had a feeling God would want him to say what was on his mind anyway. That even though it was a bad idea this was something his father had to hear. In fact if it weren’t for the feeling that this was something bad to keep quiet about, something that would only hurt him to hold back… he wasn’t sure he’d have the courage to finally move forward. _

_ He wasn’t sure he would’ve even had the courage to come here.  _

_ But because of those thoughts he had. And the delicious hope that this pain and nervousness would finally be dissolved with those heavy words finally falling from his lord’s lips pushed him forward. All the way to the golden doors of his father’s throne room.  _

_ The doors squeaked open loudly, the sound grated of Lucifer’s ears and made him cringe and fold into himself. Scared of what God’s reaction to his less than graceful entrance may be. He waited, holding his breath for the beat of silence and then let it all flood out when he heard God’s soft pitying laugh.  _

_ “Ah my sweet light, what brings you here so early? I thought you and Michael were-” The fond words that boomed with such power and shook the golden room stopped suddenly, making Lucifer’s eyes dart up in confusion. When he saw the thoughtful upset expression waiting for him he felt his wings flare out subconsciously, a sad attempt to regain some of his lost confidence.  _

_ A million thoughts raced through Lucifer’s head, but he wasn’t dumb enough to say anything now. He knew to wait until God was finished speaking, until his lord wanted a response. For a moment he just watched his father’s quiet contemplation, sweat beading on the back of his neck.  _

_ “Did you two fight again?” Lucifer could feel the concern in his father’s voice, the words that wrapped him up and made him feel so safe and loved. Smiling sadly he shook his head ‘no’, a small response to let his god calm down while the words found there way out.  _

_ “No my lord, I just…” Suddenly Lucifer felt gagged by his own tongue, his words stopped dead in his mouth with a weird whine. Clasping his hands to the front of his chest he let his mouth close, swallowing back any lingering noises that may of tried to slip free. He took a breath, letting his body shutter with the weight of it and then looked back as his father with a fire. With a courage he wasn’t sure he had before.  _

_ “Father I need to talk to you.”  God’s eyes widened, shocked at the sudden seriousness in his child’s tone. He recovered fast though, and soon his expression turned solemn. Lucifer’s courage flooded out with that and he began to shake once more. Scared, horrified with what he had just signed himself into. God didn’t seem to grow annoyed or impatient though, instead he just smiled sadly and shook his head  _

_ “I see… Then come here Lucifer, closer…” God’s hand beckoned him forward, it was a movement Lucifer had seen many times before. Something that was usually an honor and had him all but running to be graced with the soft embrace of his Lord. But today... all he felt as he approached was the ball of dread in his gut growing bigger and heavier.  _

_ When he finally was no more then two steps in front of his God he met their hands. Only slightly embarrassed at how clammy they must’ve felt. By now he knew he must’ve been pale white and sweating bullets. His nerves were in tatters. As God lead him into an embrace he stayed stiff, unable to swallow back his stress even as his father’s hand ran soothingly down his back.  _

_ For awhile they just stayed like that, silent tears rolling down Lucifer’s face as his father comforted him. Fears ran wild in the angel’s head, whispering horrible horrible things to him. But of course the fears were no match to God’s holy presence… and in no time they were chased away. _

_ The warmth was all encompassing, and the forgiveness he felt around him was so comforting that his worries, his questions and words all seemed to fly away. At least… for a short amount of time.  _

_ “Oh my child, what did you want to say?” And just like that all the stress hit him again, knocking him off his feet and taking away his breath. Right… he had already started himself down this path. This was it. The words in his throat were heavy and painful. There was already no going back, but once the words actually came out he was going to have to deal with the aftermath.  _

_ How would God react? How would he feel? Would he be mad? Feeling God’s fingers brush his chin up and reconnect there eyes he smiled warmly, swallowing back his first attempt so he could start again. He could do it this time, and whatever he said would be better and warmer than those choked up words ever could’ve been.  _

_ How silly to think God would be mad, he was so mighty, able to forgive anything. There was no way Lucifer could ever disappoint him. Lucifer was his favorite after all, his shining star. As Lucifer stared up at him in admiration the words almost mindlessly slipped out.  _

_ “I- I love you.” Right after he said it he gasped, his shoulders tensed and his stomach tied into knots as he squeezed his eyes closed. It was out there now, he knew it had to happen at some point but… The fear wouldn’t stop. Butterflies were flapping rapidly in his chest as he waited with baited breath for the answer.  _

_ Never in his fantasies of this going down had he ever dared to imagine God’s response. It was too scary, too tantalizing, too sinful. He wasn’t in a place where he could try to think what his God’s actions would be- no matter how tempting.  _

_ So he waited, thoughtless and shaking as he waited for whatever would come next. And when God’s hand came down feather light on his back, brushing down Lucifer’s white robes soothingly, laughing at how Lucifer jumped in shock. Lucifer’s face didn’t light up with embarrassment. At first he didn’t feel anything as he stared up at God with awe.  _

_ The sheer amazement he felt looking up at his God didn’t leave room for any feeling besides his a lick of his overwhelming love. How had he doubted him? How dumb was he to doubt God for even a second? The perfect being he was perched on could never disappoint him, never do anything wrong. He was a fool for being worried.  _

_ God brushed back the shining golden strands of stardust he had given Lucifer for hair, tucking it behind his ear with a sigh. The disappointment he looked at Lucifer with twisted the angel’s heart dearly, but the fondness he could see behind God’s eyes made it all ok. God knew he was trying, that he was doing the best an imperfect being like himself could.  _

_ “I know my little light.” The warm fuzziness in Lucifer’s chest dimmed for a second, the admiration on his face fell and became concern. He… knew? No… that didn’t sound right… that couldn’t of been it. He must’ve not understood what he had meant… His God would never leave him with this empty feeling of… _

_ Disappointment. _

_ Lucifer felt his beautiful holy glow blink- like a light bulb that’s flick had been switched before coming back a little bit less bright then it had been. He couldn’t see himself but for some reason he felt… dull. Like he had somehow lost a part of his divine light. Had he just felt… unsure? Had he doubted his Father’s decisions? No… that was heresy…  _

_ His God must’ve just… misunderstood Lucifer’s intention, the purpose of that confession. If he had understood he would’ve said something else. Something concrete. Even if it was a rejection he would’ve given direction- told his angel what to feel, where to put these emotions so he could feel ok again. _

_ He was the most merciful. He wouldn’t of just dismissed his angel and left him to suffer…. _

_ He wouldn’t…  _

_ “I’m not talking about that kind of love Father… I mean something more.” His hand closed around the front of his tunic, fisting over his heart as he leaned closer, his neck craned ever so slightly up in desperation. His eyes sinfully scanning over God’s own, looking for answers his Lord wasn’t giving.  _

_ “I can assure you the love you feel is no different than the love your brothers feel.”  All Lucifer’s wings drooped down until they laid against the floor beneath him. There was no denying this feeling anymore. This crushing, suffocating feeling of hurt- of something he was scared to admit might of been anger. Being told that the one emotion he had for once been sure of… was just another mistake. It made him feel something that should’ve been unobtainable for a mere angel.  _

_ It made him feel disrespected. _

_ Being treated as something lesser had never bothered him before. He knew he couldn’t stand up to God’s power, his wisdom and his light. He knew he was lesser, and that anything God said was indisputable fact. He knew this. Or at least… he had. _

_ But now everything felt different. For the first time he knew God was wrong- And it was a horribly scary thing to realize. That maybe, just maybe his all knowing god… wasn’t as all knowing as he had thought.  _

_ Because he knew this love was different. No matter how almighty his father was Lucifer knew he hadn’t got these feelings mixed up with something as simple as praise. Part of his soul was begging to just take God’s words and believe them, to pretend these feeling were just worship because surely God knew better then him. _

_ But he also knew he couldn’t. That these feelings would never go away and to follow God’s instructions here would be to curse himself to an eternity of denial, of suffering. Of pain.  _

_ His lips parted wet and scared. He could feel God looking down at him expectantly. His heart pounded even harder then it had before his confession. What was he doing? Had he gone insane? He wasn’t really going to speak against his creator was he? His eyes became unfocused, he felt his vision and hearing wipe away with stress and be replaced by static.  _

_ No… no he didn’t want to become a heretic… why couldn’t he stop himself? Why wasn’t he trying to stop? He knew only suffering laid on the other end of these words… But he couldn’t let go of the thin hope that it would be better than the pain that would come with complying.  _

_ “It’s not… I know it isn’t…” As the words dropped from his lips God looked almost amused, like he was actually enjoying hearing Lucifer talk back in a way. Gaining a bit more confidence Lucifer let himself look up, for the first time in his existence he met his Father’s eyes without a hint of timidity.  _

_ He wasn’t looking for praise or permission or answers, he wasn’t looking for anything. He was showing God his conviction.  _

_ “It can’t be. They don’t want anything more.” God’s amusement didn’t drop, he laughed lowly. It was a sound Lucifer had never heard before, but one he still somehow knew was bad news. Still, he had made it this far. _

_ “Father the love I feel isn’t like my brother’s worship.” Lucifer’s words weren’t shy or unsure, they didn’t carry fear or worry. He wasn’t saying it to ask God why they weren’t or how to fix them. He was stating a fact.   _

_ As he realized this God’s laugh quieted, his smile faded and he let go of Lucifer to rest his head on his hand. The way he now rested left him leaning back in his throne, away from the angel and able to see him entirely. The movement was subtle but it made Lucifer feel horribly exposed and vulnerable. Especially with God’s expression. It was laced with an emotion completely foreign to the angel, scanning over him with judgement. There was no stopping the worry that shook his chest with little panicked breaths as he waited for his father’s response.   _

_ “Oh is it now? Then what’s different about it? What do you have that your brothers do not?” Lucifer almost hissed at how that burnt his heart. He knew he was one of endless copies, another faceless angel that's existence wasn’t for anything more then serving God. Easily replaceable.  _

_ But he had always been God’s favorite. _

_ “I want you to love me too.” Suddenly all the humor in God’s expression faded away, the strange emotion Lucifer had sensed hiding under his calm deciding face came bursting out. As he stood abruptly and let Lucifer hit the floor the angel let out a shout of surprise. Lucifer didn’t even have a chance to right himself before God stepped over him, looming as he spit cold, long overdue words at his angel.  _

_ “You think you are worthy to be loved by a god?” Lucifer felt everything stop in a dead halt around him, even as God clearly moved past him leaving him alone and empty on the floor Lucifer felt as if the world was still.  _

_ He couldn’t even hear his heartbeat anymore. The sound that had been so overpowering and ignorable this entire time just stopped. His wings had fallen into an endless white pool behind him, as limp and heavy as his heart.  _

_ The words repeated in his head, clipped down to the most painful part.  _

_ You think you're worthy to be loved? _

_ God… Didn’t think he was worth the time. Lucifer had spent his existence worshipping him, loving him with his entire heart. Love God had been taking so willingly, love God had been encouraging and calling Lucifer his favorite for. _

_ This entire time… He hadn’t seen Lucifer as anything more than a toy. An object whose existence was to make him feel good… and once it gained a bit of awareness… a bit of desire to feel some of it's love in turn…  _

“Say you love me too Akira. Please, I’ll do anything for you.” Akira’s breaths were coming out shaky. Ryo was right up against him, there wasn’t a single gap between them that wasn’t filled. Ryo looked like he was on the verge of tears, it was overwhelming to see someone Akira had always known as so level headed look panicked. 

And over what? Akira’s feelings? This was _Ryo-_ he was perfect, at the top of the world. He could get anyone he wanted, have anything he wanted and surely he knew that.

So why did he look so… desperate? 

It honestly felt wrong. Ryo shouldn’t look this way in front of anyone, much less Akira. The words Ryo wanted to hear felt like coppery blood sitting in Akira’s mouth, he knew he had to spit them out. He knew swallowing them back would only hurt… But once it came out there’d be no ignoring the hurt in his heart. 

The hurt he only now realized had been living in his chest this whole time. The pain of not feeling good enough. He’d had never felt like enough for Ryo and while the blonde had never done anything or said anything to make him feel that way he just felt… so lackluster next to the shining beacon of his best friend.

Once he got the old gummy blood- the old hurt he’d been storing inside of him out he’d feel better. So why was it all sticking to his tongue? Was it because he didn’t want to shackle Ryo to someone like him? Was it because he thought this was some kind of cruel joke? 

His head ached with all the feelings he had been repressing. All of them coming loose and making his eyes spin. Ryo was waiting… if he didn’t say something soon it might be all over. He wanted him, he wanted Akira. Why did it matter if he deserved Ryo or not? Why not just take the gift that was being given to him? 

Akira felt like he was going to vomit, saliva built up in his mouth and began to drip. Ryo was still so close, he could still feel the other’s airy soft skin against his own. He knew how he felt, he knew what he had to say… Why was he so worried? Why couldn’t he just go for it?  

“I- I love you too Ryo.” Akira’s thoughts of not being good enough only became heavier when Ryo’s expression didn’t lift. In fact he looked… disgusted? No… not that… He looked doubtful… perhaps even afraid.

He was doubting Akira’s feelings. It was clear from his face that he thought Akira was humoring him, he thought Akira was pretending he didn’t understand the question or just saying it to make him feel better. Why on Earth had he waited so long? Why hadn’t he realized before now? Was it really too late? Would Ryo not believe him no matter what he said? 

For some reason that felt like an arrow spearing through his heart, impaling him and making his entire body ache. It hurt unbelievably bad. Even though he knew there was nothing physically wrong when he looked down at his chest he was shocked to see it fully intact. He wasn’t sure what to say, luckily Ryo said something for him. 

“The same way I love you?” Never in his life had Akira heard Ryo’s voice sound so tiny, so  _ defeated _ . The question was asked so desperately, begging Akira to put the final nail in the coffin and lay him to rest. It made Akira’s heart fall all the way to hell. Did Ryo want to be rejected? Did he want to just get over Akira? 

Did he just want to get those feelings off his chest? Did he not care about Akira’s own? And if he didn’t why did he push him so hard to say it back? Why make him realize he was in love with him only to drop off like this? Why sound so hopeful and excited only to grow upset the second he heard I love you back? 

Something akin to anger grew inside Akira’s heart as those thoughts bubbled inside of him. This was hopeless all of it. It was too late for them wasn’t it? Ryo wasn’t looking for confirmation of feelings, he was looking for an answer.  He wanted to know why Akira had left him to suffer for so long and wasn’t going to believe for even a second that Akira could be so stupid have really just never considered it until now. 

This wasn’t a confession, at least not the kind that people dreamed of. This was a cry of pain wasn’t it? A desperate plea to have his suffering seen… Akira bit his lip ‘til blood bubbled out. He looked towards Ryo, something toxic swelling in his throat ready to spring free.

But when he saw Ryo’s face it all disappeared. 

The angel wasn’t waiting impatiently to be rejected- he was bracing himself for it. His body was held taut and his eyes were wound shut. It was clear he was really trying to look strong and uncaring but it really wasn’t working. 

What had he been thinking? Ryo wasn’t that kind of person… he wasn’t angry with Akira… he never was… His confession wasn’t something designed to seek revenge with. His disbelief wasn’t soaked with the bitter pain of being ignored for so long… It was just shock. 

Akira kicked himself. He had let his own feelings snowball, let himself believe that his worst fears were true. He was doing exactly what Ryo was doing. Ignoring the reality in front of him as a fantasy that was far too good to be true. He had to clear this up… he had to say something.

Ryo’s quiet question came back to him  _ ‘The same way I love you?’  _ Of course it was the same way… Yes… yes he did… he just had to say it… the words just had to come out. Why was it so hard? Why was he shaking so much? 

“Y-yeah?” Akira cringed as soon as the words were out of his mouth, he said it so non committedly… Ryo was going to be pissed, heartbroken, he was going to think Akira was seeing this as a game. He wasn’t going to ever forgive him… Akira had screwed up and now it was over before it even began. Why couldn’t he get anything right? Why did he always panic and stutter every time he wanted to say anything serious? Tensing up he braced himself for whatever pained words Ryo would say. 

When there was absolutely no response and nothing but silence could be heard, Akira realized that he may of screwed up even more than he thought was possible. Peeking over at the blonde was wasn’t sure what he was expecting, a glare? A blank expression? Perhaps disgust or disappointment? 

It didn’t matter what he was expecting though. Because what was waiting for him completely blew him out of the water, left him high and dry with the shock. Ryo’s crystalline eyes were shimmering, glistening tears were rolling down his cheeks as he stared up at Akira with an expression of pure disbelief. 

“Y-You do? You love me?” Ryo’s voice sounded so small, so broken, like there was nothing more he wanted then to believe Akira was telling the truth but was still unable to grasp it. Nodding in affirmation Akira silently swore at his inability to say the words Ryo needed to hear, that he needed to say. 

“Of course I do.” There was no way he wouldn’t, no way he couldn’t. After everything that had happened, everything they had seen… How could he not? There truly wasn’t any other way he could ever feel… Even if hell came between them… even if he wanted to hate him… There’d be no denying that

“I love you Ryo.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For people who saw ‘fix-it’ and were expecting a happy-go-lucky fic: I’m sorry. Fixing things requires pain, especially when the problems are as deep routed as these boys. (also it's not just going to be about Ryo’s problems Akira needs some fixin’ too) This won’t be an all smiles fic, but it will have a happy ending. Cause tbh I'm tired of the idea that traumatized gays aren’t allowed to have happy endings.
> 
> Also yeah this is my headcanon for Ryo’s backstory so fuckin, imagine how sad this’d be if it followed canon and Akira rejected him just… that’s what I think of every time Akira rejects him and aaa lay me down to rest.

**Author's Note:**

> Right now this is in Ao3 locked bc i am unsure what the feedback is going to be like, i might move it to public in the future (esp bc there were some anonymous comments that showed interest in this) so see yourselves as like the test group that gets to see this early! Yayy. Seriously I had been worrying about this so much i'm just like ok lets just post it, fuck it. (i had written like 8-9 different like disclaimers on this but now im just like y'know what? i don't care)


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